wait what

certan:Don’t drink and drive your dog won’t understand why you never came home

Mon, 25 Jun 2018 21:54:50 -0400

Don’t drink and drive your dog won’t understand why you never came home

pancakeke: pancakeke: types of infused water I’ve been told to make: hot dog...

Mon, 25 Jun 2018 13:41:56 -0400

pancakeke:

types of infused water I’ve been told to make:

hot dog water

pickles

these two replies are worrying for different reasons

thats-tea:

Mon, 25 Jun 2018 13:35:09 -0400

thats-tea:

straightpeoplereceipts: sleepyboiaizawa: straightpeoplereceipts: yodafuckingsucks: straightpeopl...

Mon, 25 Jun 2018 13:32:20 -0400

straightpeoplereceipts:

sleepyboiaizawa:

straightpeoplereceipts:

yodafuckingsucks:

straightpeoplereceipts:

yoda is an elder gay

your heart is in the right place but yoda is literally the only star wars character that’s 100% straight

yodafuckingsucks i respect your stance and academic work but im afraid we will have to disagree on this highly argued topic…..

Nah are you kidding me? Sequel trilogy yoda is gay af. I’m sorry can a straight person ever exude THAT MUCH chaotic energy and sass? I think not!

when miss yoda said “mmm..” like gay icon

overbees: waluigis-penis: this sign i saw at sf pride makes a...

Mon, 25 Jun 2018 13:31:59 -0400

overbees:

waluigis-penis:

this sign i saw at sf pride makes a fair point

(it says “cooking mama should be in super smash bros”

on the back it says “capitalism sucks eat the rich” and honestly the man holding it has my vote for president forever

niggazinmoscow: I will never get tired of this

Mon, 25 Jun 2018 13:31:41 -0400

niggazinmoscow:

I will never get tired of this

bathyspheric: “50′s music reminds me of Fallout” people vs “50′s music reminds me of BioShock”...

Mon, 25 Jun 2018 13:29:50 -0400

bathyspheric:

“50′s music reminds me of Fallout” people vs “50′s music reminds me of BioShock” people

FIGHT

Photo

Mon, 25 Jun 2018 13:29:06 -0400

impalalord: “A river cuts through rock, not because of its power, but because of its persistence.”...

Mon, 25 Jun 2018 13:27:11 -0400

impalalord:

“A river cuts through rock, not because of its power, but because of its persistence.” -Jim Watkins
“Humans get shit done because they’re either too stubborn to give up or too stupid to know when to stop trying” -Me

captainsnoop: i wish i could have been alive when gods would regularly come down from the heavens...

Mon, 25 Jun 2018 13:26:58 -0400

captainsnoop:

i wish i could have been alive when gods would regularly come down from the heavens and fuck the brains out of mortals for no reason other than they felt like it

weaponized random objects

Mon, 25 Jun 2018 13:25:35 -0400

writernartistblock-confirmed:

There was one thing aliens are acutely aware of humans … It’s that human can turn anything into a weapon.
They didn’t believe the rumor at that time, even though it was written down in the guy as both a pro and con for befriending humans.
Once upon a time, when they were attacked during fueling brake, they left the ship at the station and they took the chance to have with the humans called a ‘little picnic’. It was an apparent activity that they use to admire and familiarize themselves with the immediate surrounding area instead of using scans.
As the rogues came to attack, and the crew was left defenseless since the humans called it ‘rude to bring guns in a picnic guys, come on!’ The humans stood with a ferocity they never would admit to having witnessed.
The first human broke a glass bottle to use it as a sharp object.
The second has loaded up their back packs with heavy rocks to hurl around like a barbarian savage.
The last one, however, has brought true fear into their minds, for the youngest was not given anything that could be remotely turned into anything and she was off cooking duty. Instead, she slowly pulled her spoon and asked: “Who wants me to gouge their eyes out?”
And promptly did so.

the-mann-people: fuckery-intensifies: tyrannosaurus-rex: mirtha...

Mon, 25 Jun 2018 13:24:57 -0400

the-mann-people:

fuckery-intensifies:

tyrannosaurus-rex:

mirthandir:

necrophilofthefuture:

Meet Pickles, aka “Catosaurus.” He was rescued in Boston and he’s over 3 feet long.

BIG BOY

Huge motherfucker

In awe at the size of this lad

On the months my research team and I were allowed to live on Earth and observe their habitat I noted the following about human young:

Mon, 25 Jun 2018 13:24:46 -0400

thededfa:

- human young will turn anything into a weapon to mock battle their peers, broom sticks, straws, even their food
- when in large groups human young will display games of mock hunts against each other. The two most common being “tag” where one young will try to catch the other young acting as prey, and “mob” where all of the young will try to catch a single young who acts as the prey. This suggests an instinctive ability for both pack and solo hunting
- human young will often hone their stalking and hunting skills by hiding or attempting to sneak up on others and pouncing with loud sounds meant to intimidate and frighten. This is considered amusing for the attacker and victim
- adult humans will often mock attack their young with their hands or objects to train the young to protect their vital areas and avoid injury. The young find this amusing and will quickly learn to train each other in this manner
- young humans will often attack and attach themselves to an older human’s legs, arms, or back, hanging on despite being dragged or carried while the adult human walks away. Both humans seems to find the experience entertaining
- young humans are extremely territorial and will attempt to drive off others from food, toys, and areas they have claimed as theirs with physical and verbal attacks. Fortunately, most adult humans actively try to train this behavior out, insisting the young come to an agreement or share resources and territory.
- young humans constantly search for new territory, dens, and resources. They will climb trees, shelving, anything they can reach. They will climb under and behind things. If there are no suitable hiding areas they will construct them out of blankets and cushions or any other available item.
- young humans display a strong pack instinct, quickly forming social groups and defending their group against other groups. Often they will split their own group in order to mock battle each other in contests
- HUMAN YOUNG WILL BITE IF DISTRESSED OR ANGRY AND EMIT LOUD NOISES THAT CALL MATURE HUMANS TO AID THEM
- human young will beg for domesticated carnivores as companions, and if gifted with one will pack bond with it to an extreme point.
- human young will carry a toy and try to protect and nurture it as if the toy was their own young
- human young require constant stimulation in the form of games or information. They will constantly question things and can spend extraordinary amounts of time asking “why”, often while poking the subject in question
- human young will try to eat anything at least once. Anything. If it will fit into their mouth they will attempt to eat it. If it will not fit into their mouth they will lick it.
-human young will voluntarily deprive themselves of oxygen to the point of unconsciousness in an attempt to trigger protective instincts in older humans so they get their way
- human young display great interest in mimicry, often dressing up as different professions, species, and objects. They also display great skill in mimicking the calls and body language of other species.
*Example: one human young had me quite concerned there was another Treawalbil in distress and I searched for quite some time before I discovered that the young was mimicking a Treawalbil distress trill with complete accuracy.
*Second Example: Human young have begun to wear wear “hats” with artificial crests similar to a Treawalbil and some have begun painting colorful patterns to their arms in imitation of our camouflage.
- human young communicate constantly and spread information quickly not only among their own social group but other social groups as well.
*Example: The human young who mimicked a Treawalbil distress trill taught their social group and soon I was surrounded by human young calling out in distress. This caused the Treawalbil researchers much anxiety so the adult humans suggested teaching the young other calls. The human young learned enough for basic communication at an astonishing rate, but then other social groups we had not taught began using the same calls as well. Even adult humans began using the calls to communicate with us without translators.
- Young humans will gift beings and creatures they believe to be in their social group with handmade objects, interesting specimens they have collected, or food. Strangely enough, a being does not have to be human in order to belong to a human’s social group.

minejsg: Another humans are weird ideaI read two hours worth of aliens interacting with humans and...

Mon, 25 Jun 2018 13:20:31 -0400

minejsg:

Another humans are weird idea
I read two hours worth of aliens interacting with humans and all the humans can explain the situation somehow. Why we do things, why we don’t do things. Why we react in a certain way,etc.
I have no idea if this already exists but here’s my idea: What if the human has no idea what is going on with the other human? Or how to explain, repair things because it’s not related to their workspace.

“HumanSusan, why does HumanThomas stab himself with this thin obect?” (Needle)
“He probably suffers from diabetes.”
“What is diabetes?”
“It’s the lack of a certain protein in the human body which we need to function properly. He needs to inject insulin otherwise he will die. But it’s a common porblam so you don’t have to worry about it.”
“Could you explain this further?”
“I can’t.”
“Why not?”
“I’m a mechanic not a doctor. If you want to know how the human body works go an talk to a human doctor. They’ve studied that shit for years.”

or

“HumanJack. Am I correct that you are a scientist?”
“Given the fact that I work in the labor I would say yes. Why?”
“Could you spare some time and explain how it’s possible that two human with blue eyes have a child with brown eyes?”
“Look….. I am a physics scientist. I can build you a laser in no time. I can use the formula for mass time acceleration if I have to but don’t waste your time with asking me about the human body. I hated biology my entire life and will hate it untill I die…………….. Also I’m pretty sure that this is not how genetics work.”

or

“What happened?”
“Some wires inside the computer braised.”
“Can you fix it, HumanTed?”
“I’m a nurse not a electrician.”

impalalord: Human JokesX'zibit clicked his mandibles in delight, greedily gulping down the...

Mon, 25 Jun 2018 13:19:42 -0400

impalalord:

Human Jokes
X'zibit clicked his mandibles in delight, greedily gulping down the intoxicant. It was the first time in three years that his boss had taken his employees out for drinks, and everyone was taking full advantage of the sudden generosity. The drinks flowed, and so too did the conversation.

X’zibit nudged X’zavior “How do you kill a human?”

X’zavior puzzled at the question. “How?”

X’zibit revelled in his own joke and slapped his carapace jovially. “Label the emergency airlock secret.”

X’zavior gargled in amusement, his twenty mandibles dripping green acid, “I’ve got one. How do you know a human has been in your house?”

X’zibit thought. “All of your food and household chemicals are missing?”

X’zavior retorted “There’s a glowing crater where your garage was!”

Much laughter was had, as well as more alcohol.

X’pheilz, who had been quiet until now spoke up with her own joke. “How does a human unscrew a bolt?”

X’pheilz hardly waited for them to puzzle over that one before clicking “Hold the bolt and turn the world!”

Three rounds of drinks happened before another spoke up. X’phaktr clacked “Two humans fall into a well. “

X’zibit noticed a hulking form appear behind X’phaktr, and tried to signal X’phaktr while choking on his drink

X’phaktr, still oblivious to this, continued “One says ‘it’s dark in here isn’t it?”

The creature’s stare froze X’zibit into inaction.

X’phaktr finally notices his friend’s horrified visage and turns to find the creature behind him.

The human rumbled “Do continue”

X’phaktr secreted acid nervously. “The other replies ‘I don’t know. I can’t see.”

The Human laughed and they all drank.

As the evening continued the human started telling jokes too, starting with how to drown a human, but had to explain what a scratch and sniff sticker is.

thisisgospelforthefandoms: If you were in a fanfic, would you be the pining idiot or the oblivious...

Mon, 25 Jun 2018 13:17:36 -0400

thisisgospelforthefandoms:

If you were in a fanfic, would you be the pining idiot or the oblivious dumbass?

post it in the tags!!

shabby-blog: Humans are weird concept. Shy people who are in authority. Now. This has stemmed...

Mon, 25 Jun 2018 13:17:20 -0400

shabby-blog:

Humans are weird concept.

Shy people who are in authority.

Now.
This has stemmed from someone I personally know.
He’s the manager of a gym, one of my spin instructors, manages a Sunday run club and built like a shed.
He’s just a small (5'2") solid wall of muscle.

And he’s one of the shyist people I know. He’s quiet, will only join a conversation if you bring him into it.

And yet.

Get him leading a class and he’s suddenly a drill instructor. Loud. Powerful. A leader. He pushed your limits to the max. And can be rather scary at times.

Now imagine an alien meeting someone like this.

*******

Sek'this had reservations about this human. He is meant to be the one to lead their team into unknown territory on the hostile planet Tenrai.

But this human is quiet. He is shy. He doesn’t speak, just stands away from the group watching. Sek'this has a feeling he shall be taking charge in the humans place. It is clear that this human, undecorated and unmodified like most of his species, will not be able to hold the will of the rest of the group.

The team is a roudy one. They are loud, the humans fighting amongst themselves, rough housing they call it, and the Tixxrek are known to only follow a pack leader, or they will cause trouble where they stand.

When the team get attacked by what the humans call “rapotors” the human leader changesed. Sek'this was surprised to see this human straighten up and bellow orders to the team. The Tixxrek falling into formation within seconds and obeying every command.

The human was, without question, in charge. He scared Sek'this with how dominant he presented. He was strong, taller than he really was, powerful, and loud.

After the raptors were killed, and the casualties seen to, the human regressed back into the quiet human of before.

Sek'this learnt, that day, not to trust a first impression when it came to humans. They don’t present who they are like his own species does. Humans can change. And change within seconds.

impalalord: I remember the war with humanity. It was our first and last mistake, the last war of...

Mon, 25 Jun 2018 13:17:03 -0400

impalalord:

I remember the war with humanity. It was our first and last mistake, the last war of the Dryzal, the war that destroyed us.
I was barely a hatchling at the time the war started, barely old enough to understand what the politicians were saying never mind understand the intricacies of intergalactic politics. It was some dispute about colonization rights. Something trivial and unimportant. But something we foolishly thought was that destroying a human vessel was worth it.
I remember the first days of the war. The propaganda on the vid screens. The pictures of our soldiers on the front lines winning victory after victory. The comparison of the primitive human weapons to our advanced technology. They showed us bedraggled human prisoners after they surrendered. Made them read statements of aggression and war guilt for the news feeds. But those vids never told us that for every one human we killed they killed ten of us.
We took the world’s we wanted, then got greedy and took some more. The humans were professionals, but we had numbers. City after city fell beneath our guns, enslaved human populations churned out weapons for use on their own kind. But even as we broke their fleet at K'lizzan, sent their ships into that dying star, we realized we were loosing.
Every world we took, they made us pay in tenfold. They sent assassins behind our lines to kill our leaders, small units of soldiers to sabotage our factories. We learned that we had stretched ourselves too thin against an enemy that refused to loose.
We fell back with nowhere left to go. The only worlds left were ours. I watched as the humans scattered our fleets in the upper atmosphere, the burning husks of our ships filling the skies. The smell of ozone as an orbital Lance annihilated a military base not 10 kilometers from where I stood. The look of shame as the grand council transmitted our complete and utter surrender.
And I remember too, the first time I saw a human, tall and upright, a giant of muscle and bone, the eyes of a predator on the hunt. I remember him gesturing me over to him and the certainty of my death filling my mind. I was a child but I was prepared to die for the Dryzal. A sacrifice to allow the humans to take their fully justified revenge upon us.
And I remember my first taste of the chocolate bar he gave me.
The human revenge was total. From the ruins they built schools and roads. Hospitals and sanitation plants. The human engineer brought running water free of parasites to my family’s stack for the first time. They inoculated us against diseases the council had never bothered to cure. They wrought revenge with words we’d never heard. Democracy, Freedom, Brotherhood. They wrought it in the form of Human Rights, and most powerfully of all… forgiveness.
And their revenge was total. Within 10 years human children and Dryzal were playing together on the fields outside of school. In 15 they were fighting side by side against the Shuluman.
40 years from the day the humans landed on our worlds and the Dryzal no longer exist. Admitted to humanity, nominated by Terrans and approved by a unanimous decision of the human parliament, the 6th species to gain such an honor. The Dryzal no longer exist, but humanity grew stronger.
Yes I remember our war with humanity. Our last and best mistake.
-President Steven X'Lilli of the Dryzal, giving a speech celebrating the 20th anniversary of the Dryzal’s admittance to Humanity

propertyofpoeandbucky: papi-chulo-seb: I just saw the wildest thread on twitter y’all I’m...

Mon, 25 Jun 2018 13:14:19 -0400

propertyofpoeandbucky:

papi-chulo-seb:

I just saw the wildest thread on twitter y’all

I’m screaming

“Hey Chris, flame on”

Can you just imagine

X

IM CACKLING

anais-ninja-bitch: pangur-and-grim: cleverest-lesbian: pangur-...

Mon, 25 Jun 2018 13:10:58 -0400

anais-ninja-bitch:

pangur-and-grim:

cleverest-lesbian:

pangur-and-grim:

once more, Pangur has no idea what her future holds

please op i’m begging you for an update

that future….is now the present

(the rest is up on my “I Will Make Pangur Wear Hats, And Will Pet Her Lots To Make Her Not Angry With Me Afterward ” patreon)

fucking superb you funky little cowboy